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It's time for e to move on.

It's time for me to open my eyes.

It's time for the real Vernita to shine.

It's time for a new journal.
vernitathevile 


Follow me and see.

Oh how you've changed.

 So this is what's going on in my life, as of now.

I went to my CNA school. Ended up being the best damn student my teacher, Mrs. Carter has had in some time. Anyways, Flew by, got all 100% on every test, mastered each and every clinical skill, then found out that I couldn't graduate. Want to know why? Because my family didn't have the money to pay for a physical and Tuberculosis test. I couldn't go to my clinical trial my last three days of class without it, so I had to leave. I left only a week away from graduation. :/ So I'm pretty bummed about that. But whatever, life goes on.


Now my next objective is to take the state test by "challenging" it. Which means that I'm taking the test with no "prior knowledge about nursing" Hah. I'm going to look like a fucking prodigy. Oh well.

Another one of my current events is that I go in to surgery in a week. I have to go get my defunct and abnormally large tonsils taken out. Which means two weeks of pain, no smoking cigarettes, no smoking weed, no eating, no soda, no juice, and no speaking. Woo. At least I will have hydrocodone with me. But honestly, I'm not too happy about that. I really don't want it anymore. Yeah. I crave. Everyone does; but I can't think opiates without gagging anymore. :/ Ick.

Lastly, I got a girlfriend. Now I know that this journal is filled with random infatuated lusty excursions, but this girl is different. 
Her name is Heather. We met on Okcupid.com, a dating site, with NO intentions other than talking.
Since I could ramble forever, allow me to just make a list.

-Recovered opiate addict
-Bi-polar
-Intelligent
-Artistic
-Introverted
-Book worm
-Pin-up girl
-Had a green mohawk
-Has same Misfits shirt as me
-Just completed two years of BCC
-Movie buff
-Comic buff
-Heavily pierced.
-Ginger
-Chain-smoking, Zippo toting, mistress of badass.


We have been dating for almost a month and I'm still speechless that she is all mine.

Writer's Block: Nirvana

What is your favorite place in the world? What makes it so meaningful to you? How often do you visit or imagine being there?

The ocean. The crisp, salty blue goddess that is strewn across the world like a deep blue satin sheet.

A completely different world untouched by the shameful grace of humanity. Most of it is undiscovered. Beautiful and brilliantly displayed in color. Colors everywhere. Calming. Detoxifying.


I want to be a fish. 

There is no you there is only me.

What the FUCK is that?
Who are you?

Do I know you?
I do know you. I know everything about you. 

I knoooooow whooooo yoooouuu arrrrreeeeee.

You're me.

You scare me. You threaten me. I don't like it. 
You give me this horrible fucking feeling.
It knots up my stomach when you speak to me.
A sickening feeling.
A dangerous feeling.
A feeling I get when I dance with fire, and play with fear.

Hide in the dark.
But I'm intrigued and ready to play.

You tantalize me. Make me tick.




I like you. 

STEALLLINGGGGGGG

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say To 10 Different People:
01. I find it funny that we became such great friends after we stopped talking to that bitch.
02. I may be with her at the end of the night. But you still haunt me. I still love you.
03. You think I've been scared of you my whole life. I haven't. I proved that to you today. I may bitch about you. But I still love you. You're blood. How could I not?
04. You're the only woman to scare me. Maybe because you gave birth to me. I try to win you over. But it's hard when we go out and you see me checking out some girls ass.
05. It kills me that you know me so well. It kills me to see you unhappy. I'm sorry I'm a asshole. I'm so sorry. You have been the best person I have ever known. I love you. No really. You complain all the time. But if you looked hard enough. You would see that I'm sitting here with arms open. If you gave me the chance. I would be such a perfect lover for you. ahah. But I doubt you would ever look that far. Most people don't.
06. I wish you didn't just break up with me just as i'm starting to like you. Asshole.
07. Nothing would make me happier than seeing you in a relationship. But... the fact that your face looks like a rat distracts my "caring node" for you. it's been like that most of our childhood. ahah Sorry.
08. I found you're crack stash. Now I'm starting to think you are all fake. You're my crackhead. it hurts my junkie heart.
09. I think you are gonna grow up to be gay.
10. I wish we didn't fall apart. I miss our friendship. And that hot body, tattoos, car with amazing bass, and that blonde hair.

Nine Things About Myself:
01. I kill things. When I was little I would kill little animals.
02. I'm kinda hypersexual. I can't get enough sex ever.
03. I refuse to let my parents know who I really am.
04. I have to fake most of my happiness because it's normal. My therapist told me to do so.
05. I'm the happiest when I'm alone with a bag of weed and my xbox.
06. I like to study sexual fetishes. And I would cancel my plans to be a doctor if I could make good money studying sex.
07. My worse fear is people.
08. I want a chupacabrah!
09. I see things my brain wants me to see. Not what's real. I'm always second guessing myself if "that person over there" is real.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
01. Intellegence
02. Dorkyness
03. Good music and using lyrics to explain how you feel.
04. Conversations about new gadgets.
05. Asshole-y-ness
06. Sun Shoppe dates
07. Moviessssssss
08. Stoner subculture.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot:
01. That I think that I have deep psychological issues
02. WEED
03. Alyssa.
04. Kerri and what shes thinking of.
05. Nursing.
06. Kennie.
07. Sublime and the song badfish.

Six Things I Do Before I Go To Sleep:
01. Smoke a cig.
02. Smoke a bowl.
03 Think about Alyssa.
04.beg myself to not dream.
05. Watch a documentary.
06. masturbate!

Five People or Groups of People That Mean A Lot:
01. kerri
02. kennie
03. mom and dad
04. im out.
05. of people because im lame


Four Things You're Wearing Right Now:
01. gangsta Pjs
02. blue fall of troy shirt
03. jacket
04. A ice cream sammwich

Three Songs That Are Stuck In Your Head:
01. Badfish-Sublime
02. bandelero- slightly stoopid
03. amber-311

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
01. go to cannabis cup :3
02. kill a human.

One confession:
Today. I killed a stray dog with my bare hands. Punched a hole in my door. Got hit by my dad. Showed my true self to my parents. Finally told my parents that I see and hear things.

so excited.

so today after months of begging and bitching over a new phone i finnaly get one. im the new proud owner of a full unlimited data and messaging plan with a brand new moto backflip. now. to get myself back to social networking. ive been silly long enough.

LOOK AT WHAT WE MADE!

A pretty rainbow mess. :]

With Spongebob. :3

Love, Vernita & Kerri <3

Photobucket

I noticed something.

I've had this damn journal since 2005.

I've been reading it. I guess I really did spend almost a life time trying to figure out how to make my heart stop beating.


Also. I noticed that my new girlfriend looks like Shane from the L word. I don't know if that's a dream come true or maybe a foreboding warning.

I kinda hope Palm Bay doesn't corrupt her. But then again, she's with me xD.

I guess you can say this post is just a random blurb of thoughts running through my head right now. I don't know where I am anymore. I thought getting sober would help, it has some, but I feel like somethings still missing.

I think it's...me.

Right now it's almost seven in the morning and I have been up since 5. I feel oddly calm other than for the shooting pain in my leg and the feeling that rocks are being digested.

I'm so fucking cold. I'm kinda sick. I'm kinda withdrawing from HUGE relapse I had. 30 vicoden and 5 patches in only 4 days.
Thanks grandma for the fun and the amazing funeral.

Now I'm kicking myself hard in the ass. My birthday SHOULD be my 2 months sober. "They said we had every chance, but how could we not fuck it all up?"

Lately I have been listening to Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains.
Obviously.

The depression wave in this house is starting to get to me. I kinda want mom back. And not crazy like she is now.

Take that back, I need to get a job. Start working full time, and move the fuck out of here. I can't stand it anymore.
Like for example, I CAN'T HAVE MY GIRLFRIEND SPEND THE NIGHT ANYMORE?! What. The. Fuck.

I've been with girls since I was 13, and now because I'm dating a butch, I can't have her stay over.

Scared I'm going to get pregnant mom? Or the fact that I will lower karma in the house? Too late. I'm a slut. xD

OHHH BURN.

I kinda want to blab about this girl right now. Feel free to skip it.

Insert blab here.Collapse )

It's seven thirty now. I've been watching the sun come up. Every time I look at the now dead grass I can't help but to have this compulsion to run around screaming "DEAD. DEAD. DEAD." I really fancy that word. :3

DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. DIED. DEAD.

I'm just another middle class kid too.

I haven't wrote anything in a while. I been through some shit.
Right now. I feel like exposing myself.
Tell it all from the start. I want to close this chapter of my life.

The biggest disappointment in one's life is regret for the past, and looking back at what you could have became.

I can remember all of the bullshit I went through when I was in grade school. All the teasing, all the anger I held inside. The words "WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO KILL YOURSELF YOU FAT FAGGOT?!",screamed by more than half of my first grade class still haunt me in my dreams.

I wanted to do nothing more than to prove them wrong. I remember my mother trying to sooth me by telling me "Kid's like that are the one's that won't make it in this world when they grow up."

I would lay awake asking god to take me away from all the pain. I would ask to leave and come back a bad ass so that way everyone would be scared of me and not fuck with me anymore.

His answer didn't come through until middle school and then high school.

I was subjected to sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and lastly drug abuse. How much more can a person take?

It conditioned me. It numbed me. It made me become what I always wanted to be. That bad ass of the school that will punch you in face for looking at her, and never think twice about consequences.

I barely passed through high school because I just didn't fucking care. As soon as I graduated I was a fucking trainwreck. My addiction to opaites became a fucking monster. Constantly looming over my shoulder, breathing its ghastly warm breath down my neck, sending shivers down my spine and making my blood run cold.

"Two pills to wake up, three pills every four hours to make sure I function like a good robot, then two more pills and a Fentanyl patch to calm the nerves and put me to sleep"

A walking, living, talking pile of relaxed muscle and numbed nerves. I wasn't Vernita anymore.

I was the beast that I wanted to become.

Institutionalized. Then rehab. Wait. No rehab. Insurance doesn't play for physically addicted drug addicts with rapid cycle bi-polar disorder. Cold Turkey.

Then relapse. The vicious cycle starts all over again.

College? Fucked myself out of that too. On the 30th of this month I will no longer be able to attend any BCC campus. I will also no longer be eligible for federal financial aid.
Reason? Because I dropped out. I had too. I was always at my house helping my mother care for my grandmother. If I wasn't doing that I was busy skipping class to stay in the bathroom to puke up blood because I was so fucked up. And to think I would drive like that. I would put everyone's life in danger. I'm thankful my tolerance was so bad that I never nodded out at the wheel.

What am I now? One of those kids my mother was telling me about that will never succeed?

Grandma died. Now I'm free to start my life again. But I have fucked up so hard already I honestly have a hard time finding out a new path.

I wish life was like Fable II.

Writer's Block: Take the pain away

If you could say anything you want to the person who has hurt you most in life, what would it be? Did you ever confront them? Why or why not?


You. Just you. Managed to hurt me so bad that it's hard to ever love again. You're the reason why I put up walls. You're the reason why I was addicted. You're the reason why I feel like I will never love again. And you know what. Everytime I try to love another they get angry because I won't let them help me. Or I won't tell them what's going through my mind. It's hard when you spent years hiding every little feeling you got.

I never confronted them. I'm a coward.

Thanks. It makes me wonder when was the last time we painted over the blood on the walls.